By now you’ve all heard that Wesley Snipes will be spending the next three years behind bars, and not in front of the camera. But the truth is, this whole tax evasion debacle is my fault. Wes did everything a law-abiding American is supposed to: he brought his accountant all the right information, filled out all the right paperwork, declared all income, took no liberties with his itemized deductions and signed on all relevant dotted lines. The problem is, ever since that Seinfeld episode in which George’s fiancee dies from toxic envelopes, Wes has had a severe phobia that prevents him from being able to lick any kind of postal packaging. Understanding that we all have our personal demons, each April since then, I’ve volunteered to provide my saliva to seal Wes’ envelopes and then mail them in to the IRS. And for a year or two this plan worked just fine. Then, I got busy — it’s tough being the Lt. Governor, man! Hell, it’s tough just trying to SPELL “lieutenant.” Before I knew it, three years had passed and not one of Wes’ tax packets had left my desk. The wife takes care of our taxes, so the Paterson family’s returns had always made it safely to the IRS. I was wracked with guilt, but didn’t have the guts to tell Wes because I knew he’d cry like a pansy. I figured, with his celebrity status, he’d be in the clear! But then the Feds got involved … what the frack was I supposed to do?! Sorry Wes. I promise I’ll come visit you down in Yazoo City, MS …
Tags: humor, Paterson, tax evasion, taxes, Wesley Snipes
