I auditioned for “American Idol.” And I would have gone all the way to Hollywood were it not for the lusty indiscretion of one Paula Abdul. It’s a little known fact that I have the voice of an angel. If you’re wandering through the halls of the Capitol late at night, you may be lucky enough to catch the faint strains of “La Dona e Mobile.” That’s me. And if you happen to be in my bathroom while I’m showering, you’ll probably hear a few ditties recognizable only to the most zealous Celine Dion fans. So when I found out “Idol” would be holding try-outs in Philly, I knew I had to try. And there, in the City of Brotherly Love, before Randy and Simon and Paula, before a FOX camera crew and the entire staff of the Pennsylvania Convention Center, I sang my heart out. Never before has a rendition of Journey’s “Open Arms” brought so many to tears. Standing there, with my bright yellow contestant number over my shirt, I had never felt prouder. And then came the four words I longed to hear: “You’re going to Hollywood!” You can’t imagine my elation. And that night, after an evening spent feasting on lobster at Bookbinder’s and then hitting karaoke at McGillan’s Ale House, it all went sour. Back at the Marriott, there was a knock on my door. There was Paula on the other side, clad only in a short, silky, cheetah print robe and stiletto satin slippers. She told me I wasn’t her type. That I was too old, and too accomplished. But something about my voice had touched a part of her soul she didn’t know she had. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. But hey man. IT WAS PAULA ABDUL FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD. She’s forever my girl! What the hell else was I supposed to do? Unfortunately, by the time dawn broke in southeastern PA, the news of Paula’s visit to my boudoir was all over the press. Fearing they’d be accused of favoritism and improper conduct, the “Idol” producers revoked my ticket to California and I was forced to return to Albany. Do I still watch? You bet. Do I even text my votes in an effort to determine which tone-deaf looz-air will become the next “Idol?” I sure do.
Tags: American Idol, David Paterson, Journey, karaoke, Paula Abdul, philadelphia, Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell
