Okay, okay. FINE. I sold Tatum O’Neal the crack she was buying this weekend. Or at least, I would have sold it to her had the damn fuzz not busted the whole transaction and arrested her. But the good news is, I made out with the cash AND the drugs AND my freedom. Hoo boy. That coulda been a BAD situation. I just thank the lord the cops were more interested in cuffing a celebrity than arresting a dealer. Of course, I had my story all ready to go. “Dude, I’m selling WHAT?! OH MAN. I swear I thought it was rock candy. I’m legally blind! How the frack was I supposed to know? Jeez Louise. That is the last time I get candy at that bodega.” Listen, you think New York State pays well? Think again. I gotta pay the bills somehow. Anyway, I do feel kinda bad for Tatum. I mean, she tries. But it’s a lot of pressure. First of all, her name’s TATUM. That alone is cause for trauma. Second, she achieved greatness at such an early age, taking home that Oscar in her little girl tux-ette. But then … real success eluded her. Except for “Little Darlings.” And that other movie with the chick from “Facts of Life.” And of course, her rock solid marriage to Johnny. So, don’t be so quick to judge her. We all need our outlets.
Tags: arrest, David Paterson, Governor, humor, New York, Tatum O'Neal
